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Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
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hello! im prettymuch writing in here because shannon need something to read lol
but yeah life is good theres actually a lot of shit that's getting to me but i feel bad that's it's getting to me..it's like this huge contradiction of life.
well mat is finally back for good!yay! my best friend..well besides kevin
well anywho...lets see what's interesting ...
well i could vent about everything that's getting to me and get myself down..how about not!!
bye
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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wow..i haven't updated in a really really long time..HELLO! so a lot of stuff is going on..well i'm still with kevin, we're actually engaged now:) we're waiting until oct. of 2005 to actually say the vows and stuff. i'll be 18 in 3 weeks. erm..school is going really well, except for the fact that i cant seem to wake up on time, but lately i've been getting better, if it wasnt for that i would be getting straight a's. i still work at the video store, i really do like working there, it's just that the money is so shitty that it's driving me crazy $184 for two weeks! i'm trying to get childcare so i can get a better paying job during the day..that would help with my sleeping in problem too. it pisses me off that ol dfat ladies can get paid unemployment for sitting on their ass all day and watching tv, yet young mothers who really do need help from the govt. to pay for childcare have to go to tons of people practically begging for help..even then most dont get it. i know that i put myself into this situattion, but it's not even that, i'm not sitting around doing drugs and being lazy, i'm going to school in the morning and working until all hours of the night for close to nothing, wearing myself down to the bone, trying my danmedest to make this work for myself and still nobody can help..i even feel bad asking for it in a way because i see other people who do have it worse than i do, who are practically starving and have no home that really do need more help than i do, but on the other hand i see people who can go to work, but choose not to and get paid for it. GOD! PEOPLE SUCK! better yet, money sucks! although i know people are selfish and if there wasnt money, there would be chaos. grrr...that's officially a sentence in my book.GRR! anyway..life is wonderful. if anyone who lives in jersey knows about any dream job i can get or something..POST! muah~nina~
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, October 19th, 2003
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| Time: | 2:20 am. |
| Mood: |  blah. | | Music: | staind. |
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well i've been very busy. i've had so much fun lately! i got a child support payment today out of nowhere, i was like holy shit! my aunt gave me a free pass for great adventure and i took jacob, he wouldnt go on the rides, but i took him in this ball pit thingy and he loved it. tonight me and a bunch of people went to play manhunt and the woods are haunted so a lot of people got freaked out because 5 people dissapeared for a little while lol. we took my car back there and then kevin did donuts in the middle of the soccor field..it was fun as hell, tim was riding on the hood the entire time, i didnt know until like halfway through it, but it was so great. i'm so glad that i'm with kevin, i care about him so much:) it's crazy, i didnt think i would be able to feel about someone like this again. i'm glad it's him though. he has to pay off this ticket he has by tuesday and if he doesnt get $300 he can go to jail and get sent back to kansas, i really don't want him to go. tonight i also found out that kevin's x and her boyfriend that she broke up with kevin for broke up. i couldnt help but wonder if maybe kevin was thinking about getting back with her..that would be fucked up, i dont think he would do something like that, but i still couldnt help that little doubt from crossing my mind. oh well, i guess people always have their doubts, it's what actions you make considering the doubts that you have that really count. i talked a lot to christine today, i think that if me and her talked more often we could be really good friends, shannon too. they're awesome people. i went to the doctor the other day for the chriotherapy, it did hurt but kevin came with me and spent the whole day with me which i thought was so sweet of him to do and it kept me distracted from the pain, the only time it hurt really bad was right afterwards when i got back into the car i felt like i was about to cry, and i don't cry often. now i have to go back next month to check and see if normal cells grew back. if they did then everything is fine, i'll just have to go back every few months or something to check up on it. if normal cells didnt grow back then i have to do it again and wait. blah. anyway i should probably get to bed now because i dont want to sleep in, i have to call the bank and get my card reactivated so i can deposit my check and acutally have money for once. i think i'm just going to go to strangers and ask them for money lol. if i ask 10 people for $5 it's $50, sounds easy..heh..i'm so tired!
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Sunday, October 5th, 2003
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ok another update..just because i feel like typing.. so yeah allison is a bitch lol. she's gonna read this and be like "yo, dont call me a bitch" then i'll say "yo, i was kidding" yeah this is corny but i cant really think of anything else to type, blah blah blah blah blah blah.
so one time i went to the store and i stole a big piece of gum from under the register..i dont really know if it was stealing though because it was used..hmmm*contimplates if it's really stealing or not* well anyway i am the sexiest man in the world and would like to say that i am the second luckiest man in the world.(first would be the man that gets to nail Chaisey Lane and Jenna Jameson everynight of their lives). anywho here she is agian
well that was kevin , if you didnt guess already hehe. *thinks about how damned cute he is!!) so im so incredibly happy, and i havent been happy, well truely happy since i was with shane. *thinks about wether i should have typed that or not* too late! blahhhhhhhhhhsh
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| Time: | 2:09 am. |
| Music: | well nothing at the moment, but i have nofx stuck in my head. |
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i'm at shannon's house right now.i dont smoke, so i'm sort of the odd one out. it's all good in the hood though. i got some reece's peanut butter cups. so yeah everything is going really well with kevin. i like him so much. so anyway i hope things dont get f*cked up. i dont know what else to write..so i'll update later. muahs
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Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
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| Time: | 5:26 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. | | Music: | star wars galaxy backround sounds... |
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so..a lot of shit has happened. i saw a girl get hit by a car the other day, right in front of my school. it was pretty insane, she's in my class.
i heard from mat, he isn't in jail anymore which rocks and he's going to get discharged because his neck has been broken for 3 years. if he moves the wrong way he can get paralyzed and shit. i hope that he'll be ok.
i've been hanging out with chris and kevin and manny a lot lately. holy shit! well this is so wierd, because i thought this guy kevin was a complete asshole, well the other night we were alone and ended up kissing and it was really strange, i havent felt like that when i kissed someone since shane. then he talked to me last night and wants to have a relationship. he said he had a hard time with girls before because he was so heartbroken over his x, but when we kissed he felt something. anyway i said yes lol.
i was talking to this guy adam that i kinda liked, but he hasnt called me back, i guess he wasnt interested, oh well.
alrighty i must go....more updating 2morrow most likely
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Saturday, September 27th, 2003
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| Time: | 11:16 pm. |
| Mood: |  aggravated. |
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i have nothing to do on the only night during the week when i really can go out and not have to worry about waking up early the next day..i'm so sick of people blowing me off..it's been happening to me all week. i never stand people up, NEVER. it's kind of depressing. that's another reason why i want a boyfriend.. i mean i want space, i cant be suffocated by someone or i just get annoyed, but i want someone that i'm happy with and i dont want to be stuck home alone on saturday nights anymore damnit..it's wierd, i never know how to act because i'm so horrible at reading people. so i dont know if i'm not trying enough or if i'm coming on too strong with someone. oh well i'm just pathetic lol. screw people! heh. i can't wait until my car is fixed, i would just go and meet new people somewhere lol. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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| Time: | 4:02 am. |
| Mood: |  indifferent. |
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well today was my aunt's birthday. I made her a cake, but it fell apart lol. It tasted really good though, I put mini m&m's on it :)
I feel so unwanted..
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Friday, September 26th, 2003
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i'm so fucking sick of people. screw you all. btw i quit smoking..lol
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Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
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| Time: | 3:02 am. |
| Mood: |  tired. | | Music: | this song that won't get out of my head..i forget who it is. |
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I went for the testing today. I'll be getting results in 7 to 10 days. Doc says that it could take years for cancerous cells to form full blown cancer and this is the easiest to catch right away. I'm not too worried. If I have it oh well..shit happens.
My mother called me today for the first time in months, she told me that my great-grandmother died this morning. She cried to me on the phone. I felt bad. I feel worse for my great-grandfather because they were married for like 60 years and now he's alone. I think he's gonna die soon too. It kinda sucks because I haven't seen them in a couple years, since I left Florida. I want to go down and visit so bad. I miss everyone. Not necessarily my mother, but my friends and other relatives. I had a lot of fun down there.
Jenn introduced me to this guy Adam, he's so cute lol. I talked to him online and we hung out last night for a bit. He's really nice too, he said he was tired so he didn't really talk that much, that's ok though, there will be other times (hopefully) that we can get to know each other.
Time for me to get to bed. I have to wake up in the morning and go to school, then work again at 8pm...So so so so busy. I can't wait until I finally see results to all this hard work. blahhhhhhhhhh
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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
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| Time: | 7:13 pm. |
| Mood: |  drained. | | Music: | nothing. |
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My doctor called with some pretty bad news.. Everyone says it's not that serious, but it sure as hell sounds like it. He says I have anti-typical cells and he wants to have me tested for cervical cancer. Cancer is such a harsh word, but I guess if I'm going to get any type of cancer I would rather have the kind that is definetly fixable. I'm going on monday for testing..
OOO. I also wrecked my car :( it was raining really bad and this old guy was going to turn into 711 right up the road from me and there were people going around him.. I saw him as the last car was going around and I tried to slow down and swerve and hydroplaned right into his truck. His truck has absolutely no damage, but my car has a broken headlight and a bent hood and some other things I'm unsure of yet.
On a better note, I have awesome friends. I used to isolate myself from everyone for so long that I forgot what it was like to have good friends. I mean I had friends, but I never really let anyone in on any kind of past. I sort of looked at moving up here and said "new beginning" I tried to forget my past. In all reality someone's past is what makes that person who they are. Whether it be spoiled, angry, strong, or withered into a lifeless soul.
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Sunday, September 7th, 2003
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Saturday, September 6th, 2003
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i hope you werent looking at the sides of milk cartons looking for me..becasue i'm HERE..ok that was corny, but anyway i started beauty school AKA cosmetology vocational school a few days ago. I FUCKING LOVE IT.
emileworm: your always weird, but i woulndt want you anyother way
ksjsublime: goooooooooooooooooooooood
ksjsublime: muah!
EMILE YOU ROCK!
anyway, i get to drive to newark to pick up my uncle tonight, allison's gonna come with me for the ride and stuff..it outta be pretty nifty.
last night after work (i got off at like 1am) i picked up manny and allison and joe. welll suddenly while i'm driving they all break out into ironic screams while i'm driving down 70..and holy shit! we saw like 3 people get pulled over and they still wouldnt stop, allison was like humping the seat or something in the process of screaming and freaking people out. (i can only imagine what they were thinking at that moment)
i found my old bondage pants on the bottom of the closet, they used to be big on me, but now they fit a little tight...UGH! that's so damned annoying..but atleast they still fit and look pretty with my pink kitty cat shirt..i hope you dont mind my babbling, but i guess if you arent interested you can just skip it..makes sense doesnt it?!?
hah!
i'm getting heartburn WHAT THE FRIZZLE!?
alright i better get going...
scrotum
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Friday, August 29th, 2003
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You guys probably thought I was gone forever! No, I just don't have a damned power cord for my computer, and no money to buy one:( Luckily I can borrow this computer sometimes. Well life has been decent lately. Lonely, but decent. I'm still living with my aunt and uncle. There was no way I was going back to my mother (Saitan's Wife!) So anyway, Jacob is getting HUGE he's talking a little bit now, it's oh so adorable. I wish I had a scanner so I could show you all how cute he is. Even if i did have a scanner or digital camera I wouldn't have the faintest idea on how to post pictures in here. Maybe someone can explain it to me? ack! I have to get off now.
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i got kicked out today..i really dont understand why? i clean i get along with them. my god..now they want to send me to my mom who really is a drug addict. i just dont get this..i'm not going back to someone who said to me that they're going to get my son taken away from me..her of all people to say that..that nasty fucking drughead whore..i no longer have a mother..now both of my parents are dead.how can she say that to me when she was sitting there smoking with her own 13 yr old daughter every day..how?! i want someone to drug test me..just to show that bitch she's wrong about me. i dont know what to do. i have nobody..i hope that this transitional living program or some program like it can help me. i tried searching online for a bunch or places, but they're all so far..its so annoying. newark or belleville. i feel sick to my stomache..fuck! what do i do?!!
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Saturday, June 28th, 2003
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| Time: | 2:57 am. |
| Mood: | enraged. |
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well today kinda sucked balls..but the past couple days have been pretty fun. bobbyjoe and dan came to visit me from philly. we had hella fun. we went to walmart and dressed up hehe. people were looking at us like we were insane, i love that. after that we went to seaside and went swimming. i missed the beach! yesterday me and anthony and chuck went to blackbeards cave. jacob went on his first go-cart and he loved it! me and anthony had a little arguement yesterday, we broke up for like 5 minutes. that sounds so immature to me. anthony hasnt gone to another na meeting, glad i didnt get my hopes up about that. i think he may have lied to me today too. we were supposed to go out tonight and he said that he couldnt get his sister to babysit and that he needed to wake up early for work in the morning because he had a long day working anyway..but yesterday he told me he was going sky diving saturday..if i'm not mistaken, tomorrow is saturday, well today but it's only 3am..just doesnt add up does it? it's amazing how many people think i'm an airhead. i just choose not to let anyone know how much i do know about a situation. i would rather people think that they can get away with something and then do it, then think i will find out and not do it, because it really does show me how much someone does care. i'm so aggrivated. i only got 8 fucking hours for next week..that's like $40 for a week! how the hell am i supposed to save money for anything with that shit. i havent been able to drop off my applications either. there's like nobody who will hire someone not willing to work on the weekends. i dont understand it. i would work weekends, i dont care..but christie doesnt want to watch jacob for me, and she expects it to be easy for me to get another job this way. why am i so awake right now, yet so tired during the day? my sleeping schedule is all screwed up! blah.
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Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
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| Time: | 4:01 am. |
| Mood: |  discontent. |
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i can't sleep..it's 4 am and i'm tired but i tried..i just lay there staring off into the darkness. i wanted to call anthony when i got home from work tonight but they had the damned phone upstairs..that's so anoying! thats why they have their own phone in their bedroom..so, you know, they can use it! if i could be anyplace right now, i would be laying next to anthony in bed, holding his hand and just listening to him sleep. OK..how corny was that?!?
anyway..my job is turning into a big gossip fest, just like any other job..but i was hoping this one would be a little less dramaish..every five seconds someone is saying something about someone else lol. i feel like i'm in school again and everyone is trying to compete..but i do understand that amy, a really nice girl was sexually harassed by mike who happens to be a HUGE asshole! and the 'store director' aka manager of a video store who is a mega bitch and thinks she's 'big shit' is trying to get me to voluntarily quit because she can't fire me legally with no reason to do so.
i'm hella stressed out. i'm also happy, most of the time. but i guess there's no escaping problem..without problem or sickness or sadness, nobody would really appreciate being happy and well. what would the world be like if everyone took everything they had for granted and never were truly happy because they know nothing but happiness to judge if they're really happy or not?
will i ever be able to get to sleep?!?!? do you have any idea how annoying this is? nobody to talk to even..
ohhhh, the new harry potter book finally came out. i can't wait to read it..right now i'm waiting for my aunt to get done..waiting sucks..
i feel like i never really will measure up to tony's x..i don't really know why..ok well my throat is burning..oooh and so are my ears..that means someone is talking about me right now right?
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Saturday, June 21st, 2003
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i think that's what i'm most attracted to, well strength as in strong willed and strong minded, not afraid to take on hard situations, and intelligence.
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insaneasylm's journal
distressed.
giddy.